You Don’t Need Words

•May 21, 2017 • Leave a Comment

So…I’ve written this, or something similar to it, dozens of times. On various journals, blogs, forums and in emails to friends (said friends are likely going to read this and roll their eyes so hard they give themselves a migraine. I’m watching you, damnit!). But you know what? It bears repeating. I’m not gonna lie, I get a bit in-depth (more so than I ever have before, actually), so this post isn’t for everyone. 

I have a thing for instrumental music. A big thing. See, everyone that knows me will often hear me humming or singing along to something – as I listen to music constantly, if I’m awake (hahaha, I’m always awake), then there is music playing. Now I can’t sing to save my life, just ask my loved ones or my gaming friends (sorry not sorry for my drunken singing). I cannot hold a tune, but what I lack in talent, I think I make up in enthusiasm! So the point in me writing all this? I love to sing, 99% of the time I will be singing along. I’m a bit of a contradiction, as I personally think I’m quite shy and withdrawn at times, but play my favourite songs? Frakk it, imma sing at you and probably seem really obnoxious. I’m not, I swear, I just get really lost in the things I love most. 

So now that you’re getting a feel for how much I love my music and singing along to said music, let’s introduce the concept of my obsession with instrumental music. 

When my grandma passed away, I didn’t sleep, I didn’t eat, I didn’t talk…I just didn’t function. I hid away, with my laptop, listening to the same few songs on repeat for literally days on end. I couldn’t listen to anything with words, because it hurt too much. I couldn’t play games, I couldn’t watch movies or TV, I couldn’t chat. I really just…sat on my own listening to these bands. Doing nothing but think and hurt. Anyway…the tracks I listened to most were – 

  • Echoes by God is an Astronaut. At .48 it was always as though I could actually breathe (same thing happens with another track, I’ll discuss shortly). I still have the same reaction, to this very day. As though I’ve had this weight on my chest, but we get to .48, and it’s like I can finally draw in enough air again. The composition of the song is just beautiful, but utterly devastating at the same time. Instrumental music, for me, is entirely for you to identify with and associate with yourself – something that sounds happy to me, may sound sad to you. Without lyrics there to help sway you, the interpretation is entirely down to you. This track, for me, is pure desperation, loss, loneliness and trying to frantically explain all of that. The last 50 seconds always feels chaotic to me, in the best way possible…as though you’re frantically trying to make someone understand something. They have to understand, before there’s nothing left for you to give them. As though it’s slipping from your grasp, and you’re clinging on for dear life. 
  • Quiet by This Will Destroy You. Just listening to this one right Now, I have tears in my eyes. It’s just…as though each instrument is trying to communicate to the other how alone it is, but how desperately it wants to be with the others…does that make sense? Like they’re all reaching for one another, hesitant…until we hit 2.16, and everything feels like it comes together. And it’s still devastatingly sorrowful. But as though…the music is trying to convey that it’s okay that it’s so damn sad, and that maybe it’ll always be this sad. But that it keeps going anyway. 

None of this is making sense, is it? I sound crazy. It happens a lot. Stay with me. 

  • beautifuluniversemasterchampion by And So I Watch You From Afar. This one is…odd. Because it is so upbeat and…happy sounding. It’s one of the very few “less morbid” tracks on this little list. And that’s entirely down to 3 people (A, I & M). Because each of them were my beautifuluniversemasterchampion’s when I needed people the most, without ever realising just how much I needed them. And I don’t have all of them anymore, but regardless…this song is about them, and how they each made me feel less like hiding forever more. It still makes me think of each of them, and feel thankful for knowing them. However briefly. For me…this song is entirely about friendship, it’s hopefully, it’s cheeky, it’s fun…it’s the antithesis to how I felt originally listening to it. These days? It’s pretty much the soundtrack for my life, because I’m so damn happy and…just ‘okay’/functional, all the time. 
  • MyBloodyJesusExplorerOnFire by You Slut! Again, an upbeat one. This one was actually my…”coming out of the darker thoughts” song…something about it screams of freedom to me, of driving my car (my beautiful Jack) a little too fast – feeling the air whipping my hair all over and…it’s so difficult to explain, but the air just feels…cleaner? Crisper. It’s like having a stinging burn, and this just soothes it. It’s my freedom, remember but don’t get lost in the hurt, song. 

I promise I’m not gonna list every track on the playlist (because we really would be here all day, possibly longer). I’m just touching on ones that are still relevant to me and that I still play or think about to this day. 

  • Fire Flies and Empty Skies by God is an Astronaut. This is another one that speaks to me of hope, of overcoming. The beginning is like asking a question or begging for help, and as we get to 3.30, it just sounds like an answer, or an offer of comfort to me. It’s another beautiful track, although all of GiaA’s music is beautiful. 
  • Your Hand In Mine by Explosions in the Sky. EitS actually featured on the original 2011 playlist quite extensively, but this track was always the one I remembered most. Erm…because it made me remember her. Playing cards, her inadvertently teaching me how to gamble. And it’s unbearable to listen to now. I don’t even keep the track on my iPod/phone/computer. I haven’t listened to it in years. I don’t think I could listen to it, in truth. I wanted to see EitS live, but…in the end, I couldn’t. Which probably makes me very weak. 
  • Drove Through Ghosts To Get Here by 35dos. This one really does feel like driving through ghosts…revisiting every memory, every feeling, trying to escape through them…just to reach the finish line. And you start slow in the memories (you know when you’re reminiscing, and your brain drags things up slowly at first) and it’s a bit…it’s uncomfortable initially, for me usually to stay focused. But it’s as though 1.50 onwards is when you finally hit the open road and you’re free. I go back to driving a lot – it makes me feel free (something I crave). The memories sort of flood through, hectic and breath taking. And it’s joyous, but painful and scary. And this song makes my jagged edges a little smoother. 

There’s a lot more I could list and discuss…but let’s not get too carried away here. I close with my favourite track…possibly of all time. This band also featured extensively on the 2011 playlist, but this final track…well, let’s just get to it, yea?

  • Critical Distance by maybeshewill. Easily the most beautiful thing I have ever listened to, in a life of listening to a LOT of beautiful (to me) things. This track is kind of confusing actually, as it does have an air of hope, if slight trepidation, to it. It’s initially repetitive, and that speaks to me of ploughing on – you keep going, you keep moving forward – with a slight shift at the 1 minute mark. Leading into me forever feeling like every doubt, every hurtful thing said or done to me, every person that ever said or made me feel like I wasn’t good enough, literally getting bitch slapped and blown away at the 1.23 mark. Because it’s as though it’s all just cast aside and my brain gets to 1.23 and until 2.50 none of it matters, because I am enough. For me. And I don’t care if that’s not enough for you. Once we actually hit the (almost) silence of 3, breaking into the utterly stunning reprisal at 3.07 – it feels like decades before the music kicks back in…and in those moments, referencing the breathing above, it’s as though I can finally breathe properly again. There’s something cleansing and purifying for me, whenever I hear this song. It just…it makes me happy-sad. So…happy-sad is when you remember the bad/sad times, but being able to see the best in it. So…I lost you, and I will never recover. It will never be okay. But when you were here, you made everything so much better, so much funnier. You made a lonely, really confused kid feel less like a freak, when their peers did nothing but either bully, mock or use them. You were the constant, the person that made me not want to just cut deep enough. This song hurts like…frakk. But it’s a good hurt, a cathartic hurt. 

And…that’s probably the most open and honest I have ever been here. 

Instrumental music doesn’t have lyrics, because there are not words – in any language – beautiful enough to convey what these songs are trying to say. You can express a billion different things without ever needing to utter a word. That’s why instrumental music is so damn vital to me. 

If you read this far, thank you. 

Warcraft. FML.

•May 20, 2017 • Leave a Comment

Dude, do you ever just wanna play Warcraft, despite not playing in over 3 years…? I went through a phase where I was pulling 8 hour gaming sessions on it, I wasn’t even in a decent guild! We were shit! But…the addiction was real.

Anyway! I was reading some Warcraft fanfiction, because well, why not? Yup. Totally. You’re gonna go read some now, ain’t ya? Message me for recs ;-p anyway! It just got me wanting to play so bad. Like…I miss my little Paladin, she was freakin’ awesome. I miss that gorgeous little BElf. And my Warlock! OhmyChuck, I used to love playing Warlock! I had a pretty badass Druid too, I went full RP with him…dude, I miss Warcraft.

So yea. Anyone actually reading this…? No? Frakker’s…but seriously, anyone wanna join me…? Anyone got a decent guild? Come RP with me, damnit! Actually, I just want more gaming friends in general – for Destiny, CoD, Day Z, Overwatch, WoW, diablo, and about 50 others.

So yea – I’m HerEvilRoyalty on PSN/XBL/Steam and WaywardAF#2152 on Add me, giggle with me, let me steal all your loot. =D

Public Service Announcement

•May 20, 2017 • Leave a Comment

So as it goes, I’ve been wanting to write again, blog about nerdy shit – if you will. I’ve actually been writing elsewhere (journal, ao3, various other websites, etc), but yea. I wanna start writing shit here again. And, as you can probably tell, it ain’t gonna be no award winning shit. It’s gonna be how I speak, how I think, whatever the frakk I do. Ya know? So yea, let’s go with it! Unfollow as you will, shit’s gon’ get weird. Likely.

We’re gonna have gaming ramblings, playlists, random fandom trash (a brand new feature xD), me complaining and yea. Let’s do dis!

Royalty, Out.

Raising the Steaks! *cracks herself up*

•April 6, 2017 • Leave a Comment

Some people that are familiar with me and this blog, will know I’ve been a vegetarian for…yikes…erm…about a decade? Until very recently! 

Yup. I’m back to eating meat! And holy shit…it’s good! I stopped originally as I hated the textures, And to be honest, the idea of dead flesh (handling and eating) used to freak me out. But I got over that awhile ago, I’ve been cooking meat for quite a long time now. And yea…it’s actually Mika’s (best friend/boyo/soulmate/other words that do no justice to the relationship we have) fault that I’ve back on protein! 

So. I’ve been quite ill, and experiencing hellish headaches, for…years. 2 weeks of eating meat? No headaches. No sickness. No lethargy. My insomnia is improving, I have more energy and I just feel…good! So yea, yay that. 

Anyways! I had steak for the first time, as in ever, last night! And as it was my first time, I figured let’s go all out. Marinade that badboy, sear it off, the whole 9 yards, as it were. 

I made up a really spicy, flame-grilled sort of spice mix. Tons of pepper and let the steak just chill in a bowl for…about 2 hours, I think. I decided to cook it medium-well done, as I don’t really know how I like meat cooked, but I don’t know how I feel about it being bloody…

Anyway. It basically tasted like an amazing burger, but on steroids! Super savoury and just moarish! The texture was a little odd, not quite what I was expecting, but by no means bad. I think I would probably go with medium next time, possibly a little under medium. 

I had my steak with tons of English mustard and some onion rings, I can’t wait for the next one 😍😁

Let’s talk about S-E…wait, that’s not how you spell Overwatch…

•January 6, 2017 • Leave a Comment

Ana is hiding behind Reinhardt and Sombra…is invisible…*cough*

You do realise that playing a game character doesn’t turn you into that character, right? You don’t magically acquire their attributes or personality. You main Winston – are you a genius ape with an arc pylon? Probably not. You main Jesse? Is it always high noon? Do you crave cigars? Wear a stetson…? Don’t lie to me, these are serious questions. Do you know where I’m going with this yet?

Tracer’s gay.

‘Ew. I’m never playing her again.’ – it’s cool, she probably doesn’t want you playing with her anyway. I mean playing on her. I mean playing as her. I mean…ahem. Moving swiftly on.

How did we not realise she was gay sooner? She’s stupidly hot, hilarious, fabulously British and jumps through time. Tracer is a gay Time Lord…Lady. You don’t need to be all those things to be gay. It just helps. If you want to exist within the Overwatch universe.

I’ll tell you who is gay – Symmetra. ’76. Reaper. Genji. Hanzo. D.Va. Mercy. Pharah. McRee. Junkrat. Roadhog (but he’s only gay for Junkrat). Sombra. Widowmaker (who we all ship with Tracer anyway, FFS!). Zarya. Lucio. Mei. Characters not even released yet, all gay! Look, the only none gay characters are Bastion – he’s having robot bestiality fun with that stupid bird. Torbjorn – no one can replace his turret and his arms are strong from constantly jacking up (I said up, damnit) that turret. Dude’s obsessed with that thing. Ana – she’s actually bisexual, but is in a committed relationship with Reinhardt. He’s big.

Jesus. I mean tall. You freak.

No, but seriously. Guy must be huuuuuuuung…over from New Year’s…

Y’all realise I’m taking the pishtashio’s, yea? How the hell does a fictitious characters sexual orientation have any impact on he or she as a character? If they were to say nerf Tracer’s blink, I’d be up in arms. But giving her a girlfriend in her backstory? Come on guys, get a life. It’s a gayme! I legit crack myself up. But seriously, it’s a game. And this is 2017. Make love (with whoever the hell you want, just keep it safe and consensual), not war! Love is love is love is love. So shut up and play!


On a side note, it is really difficult to find a picture of the current complete roster. That, or I’m just really lazy.

What Overwatch really needs…

•November 13, 2016 • Leave a Comment


I love playing Overwatch, it’s a fun and unique game. I play on console (PS4), but regularly watch twitch PC players, and wish I’d just gotten it for PC…

So here’s some of the things it needs on console…

You know the callout wheel? I call it the ‘chat without the chat wheel’. What we really need is some new options on that;

  • ‘Thank you, Mei, for blocking our spawn with your ice wall. That really contributed to the team.’
  • ‘Yes. I can both see and hear that you need healing, but as our 3 (yes, 3) tanks have no interest in protecting the squishies, I died. Meaning you can callout ‘Need healing’ as many times as you like, I still have to get from our spawn back to the point, before I can heal you. Thank our Reinhardt that’s trying to kill the Widowmaker.’
  • ‘Thank you Reaper/Genji/Tracer/McRee (remove as applicable) for getting POTG, but putting zero time into defending or pushing the objective. As we know, kills are far more important than supporting your team.’
  • ‘We’re on attack, but Symmetra/Bastion/Torbjörn (remove as applicable) is a truly brilliant hero choice.’
  • ‘It’s okay Ana, you’re supposed to be a healer, but wasting all of your potentially life saving ammo on the Reinhardt shield and missing shots at the Pharah, is really displaying your skills. At not playing the character how she’s intended to be played.’
  • ‘We’re being flanked. Again.’ – We really need this on the ‘chat without chat wheel’, as no one ever talks anyway. Unless it’s to verbally abuse one another, or try to tell others how to play a character, while you yourself have died 19 times and still haven’t managed to heal/defend/kill. At all.
  • ‘Stop trickling!’ – we could argue that the ‘group up’ option is the answer here, but it’s so very rarely used or acknowledged, that it’s essentially useless.
  • ‘Yes guys, 2 Hanzo’s, Widowmaker, and Ana – not healing, is a brilliant idea on attack.’

The Dead Sea is not as salty as me.

This was written as a joke.


The Book Hangover

•May 17, 2016 • Leave a Comment

You know when a book is so good, that once you’ve finished it (like 7 times), when you try to read something else – but all that’s in your head is how freaking amazing the last book was. Yea. That.

I love Sarah J. Maas, I am in love with her writing. I’m a huge fan of the Throne Of Glass Throne_of_Glass_UKseries, so last year when I saw she had released a new series – A Court of Thorns and Roses, I bought it. Not really expecting to love it as much as I love ToG. How wrong I was…

Rhysand. Do I really need to say more? What is it with Sarah and her beautiful R-named boys? I’m crying, SJM, crying and laughing and loving. But mainly crying.

The second book in the ACOTAR books released recently. Have I read it 7 times? Yes. Yes I have. I adore it! I love it more than I loved ACOTAR. A Court of Mist and Fury is…it’s just…for me, it’s perfect.


It’s such an add77493_originalictive book, 1 chapter isn’t enough. I can’t just read a few pages, I have to read the entire book. Again and again.

It makes me laugh, makes me cry (I’m an emotionless robot, seemingly, but things I truly love…books, mainly, always evoke some kind of emotional reaction in me), makes me not want but need the next book! Also, we’re gonna do some spoilers (sweetie), you’ve been warned.

Rhys just loves Feyre so much *wailing, crying, dying*. ‘Are you short on food…?’ He noticed her extreme weight loss, he noticed and cared that she couldn’t sleep, he cared that she destroyed herself – and no one except Rhys, noticed or really cared. Rhys worships her, but would never lock her away, never belittle her, make her feel less than he, he wouldn’t just make her into a pretty doll wearing pretty dresses. He empowers her, believes in her, supports her, protects her – but never in a dominating way. He makes Feyre is equal. Rhys is my life, okay?

Amren too. I adore Amren. She’s so…other, and yet she’s accepted and loved in the Night Court. Just like the others in Rhys’ inner circle, the whole band of misfits. I love them all. I need Nesta to embrace her new life, I want her to fight for Feyre – the way Feyre fought for her. I want Nesta and Cassian to be mates, they just…they’re perfect for each other. Not too excited about Lucien and Elain, simply because I hate how Lucien cowered aACOMAF-cover1nd let Tamlin treat Feyre so badly. Lucien has a lot of making up to do, I hope Feyre gets the chance to show him just how amazing her mate is, and how weak, spineless and disgusting Tamlin is. I’ve never liked Tam =/ I never love the supposed “good guy”. Screw the Spring Court, I’d prefer the Hewn City. Well, Velaris ideally, but Hewn City trumps Spring Court any day.

I’ve completely forgot where I was going with this pos

Oh yea.

I need Sarah J. Maas to write another 700+ ACOTAR books, just full of Rhysand, Feyre embracing her powers and Tamlin being tortured by Azriel – a lot.

I’m trying to read other things…but…they’re just not matching up against ACOMAF.

If you haven’t read any of SJM’s books, you seriously need to! Her Throne of Glass series is brilliant, but her ACOTAR books…they’re so perfect.