Unmerried.

I don’t imagine anyone has noticed, but I’ve stopped doing the ’31 days, 31 gifts’ posts…why…? Because I’m just not ‘feeling’ Christmas this year. =/

I’m a very detached person, emotionally. I very rarely (read: never) express my emotions, I’m usually described as ‘cold’. I sort of shut down a few years ago, and I’ve never felt inclined to reboot. I maintain distance from people, because people let you down – even when they try not to, inevitably, they will. I imagine some people, who don’t know me too well – will feel confused at this…because they’re probably used to me bouncing around, rambling about something or other. No one is that happy, ever. I create a fun, happy, nice version of myself, because I don’t think many people would be willing to be around me otherwise.

I’m not unhappy. I’m not depressed. I’m not really anything…indifferent is my usual setting. As I type this, I don’t actually feel anything…or at least, nothing that I’d ever tell anyone about.

My close friends call me difficult, I’d tend to agree. I don’t do it deliberately, I just don’t…empathise very well, at least not with people =/ is it strange that I can empathise with certain music, but not with people…? Which is why I so often will use music, to try and explain myself…I can’t say how I feel, but maybe this song can. I think only 2 people in the entire world, really understand that.

I mean…I do have emotions, I just very rarely understand them. I keep what emotions I do have, to myself. They’re mine, the things I feel/think are my problems. How would me whining on about them benefit anyone…? The 1 (of 3) emotion I never have trouble with is anger – I know, too well, what anger feels like, and even then I recognise it only by the way my body reacts. It takes a lot to break my temper, but once it’s broken, there’s no coming back from it.

I always remember being told that I’m not special, not unique, at all. It was someone who supposedly loved me, that told me those things. And the truth is…to them I wasn’t. I don’t think I’m special, I think I’m a little bit different. I don’t want emotional relationships or attachments. I don’t want to fall in love, get married, have children. And I don’t want any of those things, because I know I won’t be able to relate to a child. I genuinely do not think I could love a child, even if it was my own. I know that people try to tell me that once you see your baby, you never love anything the way you love the child again. But that’s not me…I know I’m not capable of it, and surely I know my capabilities better than anyone else…?

All of the love I’m capable of feeling, is already allotted to the few family members, and extremely close friends I have – and even then, I very rarely display my feelings for them, at all. I don’t love people easily, it takes an awful lot for me to allow anyone to get even remotely near me. And even then, as soon as they try to discuss emotions with me, I’ll pull away. It’s instinct. It’s not survival instinct, it’s not self-preservation. I’m not scared of being hurt. I just don’t want to have to listen to someone talk at me about emotions, that I don’t feel or understand. I’m essentially a very selfish person – I want my friends, but I don’t want the emotional side that supposedly goes hand-in-hand. There’s only 1 friend that I even try understanding, and expressing, emotions to – and that’s because they need me to. It’s not that I don’t want to…it’s that I don’t think I really can. But I try anyway, so that I can keep this person in my life.

I’m not uncaring. I think this is where I, and perhaps friends, get mixed up. I care, a lot. I’m not faking it, when I say I care or that I do love you – if you get that out of me, you mean a Hell of a lot. It’s not a chore or burden for me to care, it’s something that I understand – I will look out for you, protect you, even try to relate to you. Caring, and platonic (companionate, perhaps) love are 2 of the 3 emotions I have no problem with – and that’s because to me, they’re primal. I don’t need to understand them, to pick them a part, observe or research them. They come naturally to me, when I’m in the correct environment, with the correct people. It’s sort of like I have a switch that’s triggered, once the right person is in my line of sight.

It’s very hard for me to explain…I do have feelings, but to me…they usually feel more like compulsions – I have the desire to read a book, or write something. And I’m not really even sure if they’re feelings/emotions or not…? =S Perhaps I should say, ‘I have feelings/emotions, I just don’t want to express them, explain them or put them on display for anyone.’ – Anyone, includes even me. I hate having to dissect what I feel, which is why I repress…a lot. For me, it works.

I think this is the most I’ve ever talked about myself personally…in forever, maybe. I’m closed off, and I’m fine with it. But…Christmas is something I do enjoy, I feel happy, excited even. But this year…there’s nothing. I’m completely indifferent. Which is why I’m not going to continue the ’31 days, 31 gifts’ stupidity. If I were to continue, it would be me faking the entire thing. Sometimes I really want to share an amazing song with people, because that song reaches me…I ‘get’ that song. But…I just don’t want to now. I have no desire to share my favourite things this year, because the way I really feel deep down, isn’t something that should be shared with anyone.

I’m not unhappy, I’m not happy, I’m not depressed. I’m just not very merry, is all. I’ve killed the Christmas theme I had going on, we’re now using the theme I had prepared for March. *shrugs*

Of course, this doesn’t mean I won’t spam the ESC_Verse with youtube videos, and 4am ramblings. You’re not that lucky.

~ by HerEvilRoyalty on December 18, 2012.

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