Project SLP// Mission Log: Year 26.

This will post itself on the 4th of November 2012 at 21:46 (the exact time I was born), the day I turn 26. I am currently 25, for the past 20 minutes, anyway. This post will consist of a years worth of memories. I’ll update it every now, and then – sort of chartering my 25th year of existence.

My 25th was a sombre affair, it was nice enough…but it feels wrong celebrating it, when one of the people I want to celebrate it with, is no longer here.

Mid December. Amber came up to visit, she’s amazing. I’m so happy, and lucky to have her in my life =) although, she threatened me with chicken, so that was a rather traumatising experience lol I hope she likes her Christmas presents! I really do adore her…I think of her as an extension of myself, the same way my brothers are…if that makes sense…? =S Okay, let me explain. There’s not a whole lot that I believe in, but I do believe in soul-mates. I don’t mean your one true love, I mean…a soul-family…people that are connected to you, as you pass from life to life…my belief system is rather…complicated…? Anyway. My family – my mam, dad, Kevin, Christopher, Grandma…and my Granddad – even though I didn’t get to spend nearly enough time with him. They’re my family, and my soul-family. Something in me, recognises something in them…which I reckon is how we can just look at one another in a certain way, and silently communicate that we’re worried, need help or are sharing a joke the others don’t get (that’s generally just between me and the boys though lol). Amba is part of my soul-family, I’m comfortable with her. She…just fits. My theory is that you have one soul-mate, as in a lover sort of role, and…you don’t always meet them at the right time, or you meet them…and maybe lose them – because it wasn’t the correct…life. Is Mikko my soul-mate…? Honestly, I don’t know. I know him inside out. We’ve been through Hell together, and separately…and when everything hurt so much, that you couldn’t breathe properly, he was my…person. Just like my family, and Amba & Ian are my people. I choose them consciously, and sub-consciously as my people, as my soul-family.

Marko is also included in my soul-family, he’s the irritating little ‘black sheep’ of my s-family. He and Mikko loathe one another, but try to place nice when I’m around. When I’m absent, Mikko enjoys sending Marko abusive emails, then I have to be neutral territory, and make them…not friends again, instead of enemies lol *rolls eyes* bloody men. Even though we’ve only gotten close in the past month or so, I do include Ian into my s-family too…I’ve gotten to know him a little better, his musical knowledge, and tastes are pretty much identical to mine =) So yea…I have this little collection of people that I consider my soul-family, that I’ll always be able to recognise, no matter the guise they wear…like I said, something in me, recognises something in each of them…and I feel safe, connected, loved when I see them or talk to them. Having said that, if Mikko doesn’t get his guitar wielding backside over here, ASAP, I may have to disown him.

Christmas was rather sombre too…first Christmas without Gran…it just feels wrong, without her. She’s supposed to sit opposite me, and we’re supposed to wind her up…and make her wear a stupid Christmas cracker hat. Yellow, that’s always the colour hat I think of her wearing. She would refer to us as ‘her canny bairns’, and she would always refer to me as ‘my queen’…which is one of the reasons I go by ‘HerEvilRoyalty’. *shrugs* also, my first name means princess…so yea.

And even now, I can’t stop crying. I miss her, so much.

January 1st 2012. Last night was amazing! I can’t stand NYE, I’ve hated it since I was 17, for good reason too. But last night, was the best NYE I’ve ever had – all thanks to my insanely awesome best friend ^_^ all we did was game, giggle, mock one another, eat yummy stuff (get slightly tipsy lol), giggle more, and yea…it was just awesome. I hope the entire year is going to be as fun filled, and happy =D

February- early March. I got burnt by scalding hot tea. My arm is pretty haggard looking.

Early March. Got 100% in a test, I was kinda proud of myself.

Mid March. Reijo passed away 6 years ago. Mikko doesn’t function during this month. I always insist that we talk, and video chat come the 17th. I worry about him. He tells me everything, just like I tell him everything. I’ve known him though his darkest days…well…years. He’s practically whole again now, but I still worry…he’s my person, I don’t think I could bear to lose him.

Late March. I met Ian for the first time, honestly, I was a little nervous…I’m not all that great of a person. In fact, I’m a bit of a let down. So yea…I was worried that we’d not get on so great, or he’d find me boring…=/ but he doesn’t seem to, so yay! I’ve always thought of him as a ‘real’ friend anyway, but now I think it goes both ways. He’s a good friend.

Late March-Early April. Amber is no longer my friend, I think I’ve reacted too hastily…=/ I miss her, I really do. She’s my best friend, I still ever consider her as such…I can tell her pretty much anything, and she just laughs. She never judges me. And I’ve screwed it all up, little wonder she now hates me. ='(

April. Kev’s birthday, he’s now 22. I get so sad when I think of Kevin, and how we used to wage full on wars against each other…I’m so happy that we’re proper brother & sister now. He’s my little brother, it’s my job to protect him, look after him.

Late April. I’ve started writing fanfiction…properly, I mean. I’ve dabbled over the years, but never really tried to properly. Well…yea, now I’m writing fanfiction lol it’s SPN related of course, although I’m also writing a dark Batman ‘Arkham’ verse story too…along with a Walking Dead thing, which I haven’t posted anywhere yet…it’s very dark, and gruesome. Whereas my SPN fics are usually quite light-hearted, and ‘cute’. I do actually love to write, and I’m really enjoying the feedback from other LJ users.

Mid May. I have hugged Misha Collins, Jim Beaver, Mark A. Sheppard, Mark Pellegrinno & Matt Cohen. I can’t ever describe how incredible the Supernatural convention was. I sort of kept hoping Amb’s would show up, we’d hug, and be all okay again. Didn’t happen. =( Still had an amazing time though, it was just…very lonely. By the last day, I was pretty comfortable just wandering around the Hilton, I waved at Guy Norman Bee – he waved back, and said ‘hey’, I was ridiculously happy lol. It’s just so surreal to see the actors walking along, and you being just a few feet away from them…also, I high 5’d Mark Pellgrinno, and Mark A. Sheppard =D Saw Ian on the last day though, it was brief, but still nice to have a chat, and a daft fancy drink.

Late May. My mam’s birthday was…difficult. She kept refusing to celebrate it, being moody…until I sort of got annoyed, and told her that just because she was hurting over missing her mam, it didn’t mean that we didn’t want to celebrate her birthday. We love her, why wouldn’t we want to commemorate her existence?

June. It’s been a year since my Grandma passed away…and it’s also the month of her birthday. I hate June now…=/ it’s supposed to be a lovely, fun, bright…happy month. And it just isn’t. Not now.

I got my eyebrow re-pierced, and my first tattoos…on my right forearm, near my wrist, I have a heartagram. On my left forearm, I have the Enochian symbols that represent my families initials. Gordon, Mary, Derek, Jean, Sarah, Kevin, Christopher. The only people in the world, that I recognise as my blood.

Early July. I’m just glad June is over with.

I’ve had so very few true friends. I’ve existed for nearly 26 years, and I genuinely can’t name 5 people I consider close friends. There was Amba…but not now, thanks to my impulsively aggressive behaviour…which to an extent, I still believe was justified. I do admit that the way I went about things, was stupid, and I’ll never get to apologise for that…I do still miss her, but…I also accept that the sentiment won’t be returned, all the same, I wish her the very best. She made me realise that I’m not completely alone, in my ‘odd’ ways. There is of course Ian, who has fast become my person – I refer to the people that I can’t live without, as my people or person. It’s just so easy to be friends with him, there’s no pressure, and I don’t have to try…if that makes sense…? Like, I can just be tired or cranky, and he’ll ‘get’ that I’m not grr at him, and just sort of leave me to get on with it – which is always the best course of action. I got myself into a mood, so leave me to get myself out of it. He’s like Suzi in regard to being my musical twin/soul-mate. I’d really love for us to attend a gig together actually – one of the instrumental bands we love so much…maybeshewill, God is an Astronaut, Explosions in the Sky, You Slut! and so many others…yea, we really need to round all these bands up, and make them play for us – possibly in my back garden lol with a BBQ! Then there’s Mikko…Mika lol (it’s a private joke, I love those kinds of jokes). He’s another one of my people. He’s been through so much, he’s endured so much…and he’s such a beautiful person, why anyone could hurt him…it just…I hate that he still hurts, even now. Sylvii, to some extent, is my friend…although I hardly talk to her anymore, I think it’s too upsetting for her…I know, and talk to her brother, more than she does…or ever will. Marko will bitch if I don’t mention him, he’s like that…whiny =p I love him really…he just never lets me forget that I got him fired…lol that’s a story for another time though…

I consider Suzi a true friend. I really want to meet her, actually. She’s my twinneh ^_^ we have a lot in common, but I don’t get to talk or game with her nearly as much, as I’d like to. I don’t have many friends…but the few I do have…are amazing. Quality over quantity, every time.

Mid-Late July. Chris is now 21. He’s still as cheeky, and adorable, as ever.

Late July. I’m a livejournal addict, so of course I’m a paid account…person. I forgot to pay this month, doh! So yea, I logged in, to upgrade back to being a paid member…to find that I’d been gifted with 2 months of time, by a girl who reads my fanfiction…I was so =O, as this girl is a complete stranger, but was so kind to me. It made me smile, that there are still some genuinely lovely, generous people around, who still have the capacity to be so kind to a complete stranger.

Early August. I’ve actually got ‘fans’ of my fanfiction =O one is my beta, who nags me endlessly when I don’t update or when I make Dean completely oblivious to certain things =p and the others is a fellow LJers – to be honest, I’m just really shocked that anyone reads my fics, let alone likes them. So yea…I’m sort of integrating myself (even more, if that’s possible) into the SPNFamily, and our fandom =)

August. Ian came up to visit again! I feel so bad though, because I’m so worn out >.< we’ve had fun though, well…I have anyway, hope he has too! He came round my house on Sunday, we had a bite to eat (I adore my dad’s cooking), and then just played XBox. He seems to get on well with my family, he chats away to them – which makes me so happy, my family are everything to me, so it’s nice when friends make the effort to get to know them all. =) my mam loves him to bits, she sees him as one of the very few genuine friends I’ve ever had. I don’t make, or keep friends very easily. Nearly everyone I’ve ever known has only been friends with me, in the hope of getting something out of me – not just because they liked me, for who I am. Ian just likes me because I listen to music constantly, I game, and say really daft things. Also, he accepts my cheating/dirty tactics while gaming – I’m such a sore loser lol

Late August. I can’t wait for H4LO =D

September. ‘Strange World’ by HIM – aka my favourite band, for well over a decade now – has been released. It’s stunning, as expected.

October. I’m doing a ‘ShOcktober’ thing, like the ’31 days, 31 gifts’ posts…but…well, about Halloween/scary stuff. Halloween is my second favourite time of the year, to Christmas. I just love how the nights get darker really quickly, how it’s freezing cold – so you need to snuggle up and drink tea. I just love that summer is over, really. I haven’t been a summer-y sort of person for many years now.

Early October. Chris has just came home, he’s had a bad day at work. He’s swearing a lot. I don’t like it when my baby brother is all D= grr-ish. He’s my baby brother, he’s supposed to be cheeky, happy…while calling me ‘royultee’ (how he pronounces it lol).

Still early October. A9 next month! Can’t wait =) Ian’s birthday is on the day we go to, so double trouble! I’ve got a couple of his presents sorted. I’ve got a few ideas of what I want to get him still, but obviously I can’t mention them here, as he’ll read it and ruin the surprise of the bag of coal =p

I sometimes think that some of the blokes that I ‘know’ – like online friends, that I’ve maybe met once or twice – get ‘crushes’ on me…as I act very ‘bloke-ish’ =/ I game a lot, I don’t know 98% of these celebs on magazine covers, I watch the news, and like to be up to date with regards to politics aka I like to watch Cleggy contemplate murder/suicide, I like sports, I love martial arts – Tony Jaa, JeeJa Yanin (this woman amazes me), Donnie Yen, Ip Chun, Bruce Lee, Stephen Chow, Jet Li…the list is endless – I love watching how their bodies move…and how insane it is, that bodies can do the stuff they do. Erm…now I’m trying to concentrate while watching IP Man >.< okay…oh yea – I swear a lot, I can’t handle discussions relating to emotions/feelings, I appreciate silence – companionable silence, ‘when the other person puts the bottle to their face, it’s your turn to talk’ – what Dylan Moran has taught me, my dress sense is quite masculine – baggy jeans or combats, band/film/TV show/usually Supernatural tshirt, and a checky (Winchester style lol) overshirt, and DCs or hitops. I’ve got a weird face, I’ve been told by a fair few people that my eyes are creepy =/ and my lips are fat…my nose looks ridiculous when I’m confused, and my tongue has this really annoying habit of poking between my teeth when I’m being cheeky. My hair is pink, as I enjoy irony. I don’t dress, look, or even really act like a female. I don’t even think of myself as all that female, don’t get me wrong – I am definitely female, and happy being female…but I think because I’ve grown up with primarily males, that I’ve just sort of…adapted to being a blokey sort of female. Does any of that make sense…? Probably not. In conclusion…something something, witty one liner, something else. End. Ta-da!

I’m listening to God is an Astronaut, their music…I don’t think I can even form a sentence that can explain just how beautiful their music is to me. No other band (not even HIM, and I adore that band) can make me feel lost, lonely, happy, completely relaxed, tearful, energised…all at once. It’s difficult to explain =/ sometimes I feel like screaming or just sitting in silence, doing absolutely nothing other than let the music wash over me, and make me feel clean mentally…as though the beauty of the music sort of…fixes me, internally. GiaA’s music is pure, it’s not made for the sole purpose of making money…it’s not full of clichéd lyrics or clever rhymes. Their music has no words, because words can’t ever come close to sounding as beautiful as just the instrumental songs are. I don’t even think that you could put words to music like that, words would tarnish, ruin how peaceful, and heartbreakingly beautiful the music is, all on it’s own.

Late October. I’m really enjoying MoH: Warfighter o.O

I sometimes think I’m on the wrong career path…video game design is amazing, I love it…but…I love cooking, so much more. I’m so happy, calm…relaxed even, when I’m in the kitchen. I’m been practising my knife skills, I’m an extremely fast learner – with anything, I get annoyed with myself if I can’t do something instantly – and I’ve found that my knife of preference is the cleaver 0.O I just find the weight helps me slice a lot cleaner, and I have more control over the blade movements. *shrugs*

I love the process of taking basic ingredients, and creating something amazing looking, and tasting. Gaming is my hobby, and my career choice…but cooking is my passion.

Late October. I’m 26 in exactly a week.

Ian’s coming back up to visit in December =D I literally cannot wait, I get way too overexcited at Christmas time – it’s all the decorations. And I literally drown myself (and everyone else) in glitter lol haven’t mentioned that part to Ian yet, it’ll be a nice surprise for him =p but yea, it’s gonna be awesome. It’ll be really crowded in town, and the Metro centre – so I’m gonna ask if he wants to come round ours a couple of days, give us a break from the massive crowds/insane people, and play XBox. Kev & Chris have already decided we’re gonna order some food in, and watch some 3D films – I really love that Ian’s just accepted into our little coven of weirdness =) my brothers are my everything – do good by them, you’re my friend for life.

November 1st. Did I mention that my iPod touch broke a few months ago…? Well, I say broke…it still worked, the stupid home button is just broke -.- and I have 0 memory left on it…so imagine how =O I was when I awoke to a new iPod touch, blue (I love blue atm ^_^), 64GB, and it has ‘TeamFreeWill HerEvilRoyalty’ on the back of it! It’s lush! I’m so spoilt lol =)

Also…I’ve had H4LO for the past day. I’m in love with it.

Early November. Less than 2 days until I’m 26. I’m currently syncing my iTunes library to my iPod – the only problem is, my iTunes library contains all my music, but also all of Kev’s & Chris’…and some of the stuff they like, really isn’t…well, good. I, of course, forgot this, when I pressed sync >.< doh! Gonna be removing a bunch of stuff later. I don’t even recognise any of the bloody artists names, I am so very far behind with popular culture. Unless it’s to do with Supernatural or zombies. =p

November 3rd. I’ve had a lush few days ^_^ H4LO is stunning…even my Kev likes it, and he loathes Halo, that’s how good it is. Gutted Ian hasn’t got it yet ='( I wanted to teamkill him, perhaps run him over with my ghost…instead, I have to settle for teamkilling randomers…then getting kicked from the game >.< see, this is why I love playing with Ian, he accepts his death at my hands, and laughs at me/names and shames me on twitter xD seriously, I can’t wait until Tuesday! I got to see my console, and my LE today…I could have wept with joy. I looked at them, as I imagine a parent would look at their newborn child. Halo is my beloved.

Oh yea, the wrestling was awesome last night! Really love attending it with my brothers ^_^ we pretty much giggled all night, while silently crying with agony – the seats are so uncomfortable! The boys kept pushing me around, and squishing me between them – they’re little monsters. Ar man…Santino fell out the ring! xD I literally nearly fell out my chair laughing! Such a fun night. Got a lush Miz tshirt – I love the Miz – it’s got ‘Haters ❤ me’ on the front, and ‘cuz I’m awesome!’ on the back. Chris got a Dolf Ziggler (who is easily the best seller in WWE, since The Rock), and the new bright yellow Punk tshirt…I love Punk, but I hate the colour yellow >.< Kev got the Daniel Bryan ‘Yes! Yes! Yes!’ shirt, which I may have to covertly, ninja like zombie steal.

Oh yea. The crowd was insane. I mean, they’re insane every time we attend (we go twice a year), but more so than usual last night! This dude a couple of rows in front of us, was obviously in love with Daniel Bryan, as he kept screaming (literally) ‘No!’, whenever someone shouted ‘Yes!’ it was so funny, that pretty much everyone in our section stopped watching the wrestling, to watch the little show of insanity in our seating section xD Also, Ryback is bloody huge…seriously, he’s insanely huge.

Oh! Dan Bryan & Kane hugging it out xD then fighting over the belts…then Dan stealing them, and running away xD it was just a lush night =)

November 3rd, still. It’s Mikko’s birthday today, he’s 27. He doesn’t celebrate his birthday anymore. He doesn’t really celebrate much, anymore ='( But still, I want him to know that he was in my thoughts, and that it breaks my heart that he’s alone…You’re my person, you are so very loved by the weird, pink haired girl, who can’t play chess without cheating.

November 4th. I am officially 26. I’m literally blown away by my gifts from Ian…he’s went so overboard! He got me this Walking Dead t (that I actually missed out on) from RIPT! It’s lush! 2 pendant charms – one’s a scrabble tile with ‘S’ on the back, and a zombie alert on the front. The other is a domino with the dots making 4 on the back, and an actual ‘real’ (aka non-douchey) Vampire on the front ^_^ he got me the Joker plushie, that I fell in love with a few months ago, I was so =O =’D when I unwrapped him! He’s gorgeous! When Ian was at the London 2012 Olympics, he bought me this adorable lion cuddly toy, his name is Pride…he’s just lush – also, I loved the Olympics, so it’s awesome to have something to commemorate the =O of it being held in the UK ^___^ Plus the card…ar man. Twas home-made, and it’s got all my favourite things on it! Halo, HIM, SPN, Misha, monkeys…so much thought, and effort – it makes me quite emotional (which is very rare for me) to know that someone (outside of my family) cares that much, to make something so personal, and lovely for me. I really am so lucky to have such an amazing person part of my life.

Kev & Chris got me some odd earrings – a cross, and a skull – and this awesome ring. It’s black skull (haematite! <3), with red gems all over it, and blue gems for eyes (because I’m obsessed with blue at the moment) – it’s really heavy, but I love it. Their cards were adorable too, Chris always refers to me as ‘little big sis’ – due to my being the oldest, but the smallest. And Kev writing ‘HerEvilRoyalty’ on my card ❤ I love the 2 little demons.

I got the new Walking Dead book (which I cannot wait to read!), the ‘Another Note: BB Murders’ book (I’m slightly obsessed with Death Note), Nivea lipbalms set, Impulse set, HIM XX CD, 12 month XBL gold membership (as my runs out tomorrow lol), money, a stripey shirt, my iPod that I got tuther day (which I am loving), Supernatural S7 bluray (to pick up tomorrow), and of course my H4LO console, and LE – that I’ll get on Tuesday. I think it’s fair to say I’m pretty spoilt. The only thing that would have made today better, would have been if my grandparents were here to see us all growing up.

Had a ton of XBL messages, DMs & texts wishing me a happy birthday, it’s lovely to know that people that I rarely talk to anymore, still remembered me =) got a couple of messages that were quite surprising – 2 of which I’m genuinely surprised the senders remembered my real name or gamertag, let alone the date I was born. Nice, all the same =)

I’m having a lovely day, I cannot express just how much I love my family, and the few true friends that I have. There’s not many of us – Pearson’s or my friends – but they mean everything to me. We few, we happy few 😉 – name the game that achievement is from!

So yea. I’m now 26, and this ‘mission log’ is over…time to start mission 27.

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