The ESC_Verse Disclaimer: Obviously, I know that vampires do not exist (they did, it’s just Sam & Dean have dealt with all of them). This entry is merely me ranting about how stupid, and downright pathetic this once scary monster, now is. Vampires in the 00’s are douche-bags. There was a time, when I’d be psyched to go see an 18 film, with vampires ripping peoples throats out…now the films are PG, considered romantic, and the vampires all feed on animals. What the actual f***? Vampires are supposed to be like land-sharks…without the gills, damnit!
Day 11. When I was in my teens, vampires were still supposed to be relatively scary. They didn’t sparkle, or fall in love with teenage girls…which is something that I find disturbing, and downright creepy. Everyone does realise that a vampire is dead, yea…? And having sex with a vampire, in my eyes, is necrophilia. Also…just because the vampire looks like a teenager, doesn’t mean it is. Physically, I am 25, mentally – read: I go from 12 to 60 yrs old, depending on the day/situation – I’m 25. Ergo, a vampire that is 98 (for argument sake) is mentally 98, whether it looks like a teenager or not. So how the Hell is a 98 yr old stalking a teenager considered romantic…?
Vampires are supposed to be monsters, not heartthrobs, jeez! Although…I do have that crush on Alucard…but that’s a separate issue. The only vampires that I’d say has been sexy in the past few years, are Dean Winchester (and even then it was a piss-take episode) & Ian Somerhalder (and honestly, he could be human, vampire, alien – he’s still sexy as Hell). I actually used to like Anne Rice’s vampires, the whole asexual nature of them, I liked that. They’re not sexy, they’re supposed to be scary. Yes, even when they’re massacring small villages, there can be some trace of seduction…but at the end of the day, if your SO suddenly bit you hard enough to break skin, then started drinking your blood…would you be writhing about in ecstasy, or smacking the weird f***? I mean, I’m sure some people enjoy that sort of thing, knock yourself out – I couldn’t give a toss what you do behind closed doors, long as it’s legal, and safe – but the majority of people, probably aren’t gonna be all that into it.
You know what film showed vampires in a truly awesome light? 30 Days of Night, that filmed is awesome. Those vampires, are real vampires. Bad ass ones, that have blood-tunnel vision. They just want blood, death, and perhaps to maim the victim a bit. That’s a vampire.
The absolutely hilarious ‘Strange things happen at sundown’, which is something everyone needs to experience, shows an interesting concept of the human to vampire transition. For 3 days, the human is in absolutely agony, and bleeds constantly from every orifice. Doesn’t sound all that sexy, does it? The novel ‘Dracula’ is amazing, it’s one of my favourite things to read (around Christmas time, actually), and I’m pretty sure Abraham Stoker would be -.- if he knew of the utter pish that passes off as vampire fiction nowadays.
You know who else is an awesome vampire? Blade. He fights his vampire nature, because vampires are monsters. They’re not romantic teenagers, who are filled with rainbows, angst and bullshit. They drink blood, what the Hell is sexy about that? It just seems very messy, to me anyway.
The likes of TV shows True Blood (I watch for Eric), and The Vampire Diaries (I watch for Damon & Klaus) are pretty shit too…although I love how adult TB is, it’s still ridiculously stupid, but at least it’s a bit of a mickey-take of that Godforsaken mess, with the sparkly emo in it. TVD is allowed, purely based on how sexy Ian Somerhalder is. But seriously…can we please have books/films/TV shows with vampires that aren’t teenagers, that wish to drain the pretty girls blood instead of wanting to have sex with her? I want blood, gore, murder – not romance.
While I’m here, have a really quickly put together list of vampires that are sexy, but also psychotic blood fiends:
Deacon Frost – Blade 1’s antagonist. He wore lots of sunscreen, enjoyed blood, power trips, didn’t sparkle, or stalk teenagers. What’s not to love/run away from? Stephen Dorf is just delicious, I would. Twice.
Dracula – from Dracula 2000. Long before he was the Phantom or Leonidas, Gerrard Butler was Dracula. A rather sexy one too, who drank human blood, and again – didn’t sparkle.
David – from The Lost Boys. Keither Sutherland was hot, seriously – again, I would. Still no sparkling.
Vampire films to watch over Halloween: 30 Days of Night (because it’s freaking awesome), Van Hellsing (it’s silly, but good, okay?), Blade 2 (‘Snowman, man!’ Ron Perleman, and Norman Reedus. Watch.), Vampyr (from the 1930’s, it’s a classic, okay?), Nightwatch & Daywatch (Anton Gorodetsky is an old obsession of mine, the Watch novels are awesome), Dracula (1930’s again, starring Bela Lugosi, hello? Hells yea.), Fright Night (the 80’s one, and the 2011 one too – only for David Tennant though), Underworld (all of them, I suppose. The 2nd is okay.), Priest (Paul Bettany is delicious.), Frostbitten (reminds me of 30DoN a little, it’s not very well known, sadly.) Dracula (the ’92 version), I Am Legend (the book is amazing, the film is so-so). There’s literally 100’s I could write about, but I think I’ve probably kept you long enough…if anyone has actually lasted down to this part. If you want anymore decent vampire film recs, shout at me via commenting =)
The ESC_Verse Notes: for the love of Cas, this isn't meant as a serious entry -.- come on, people! It's me rambling, as usual. Jeez.